A Strange Grief

Though I have been through it before, and it’s coming was as sure as the seasons changing, I still was not able to fend off the sadness it brings.

I’m carrying around this strange grief because my bright, bouncy, beautiful daughter is no longer here, having been transported off to college last week.  We’ve come again to that stage that all Christian parenting is inevitably heading toward.  The child whose birth you witnessed, whose birthmarks you know, whose birthdays you celebrated, has moved out and will never live the same way under your roof again.

I know all the comforts that will be offered and even jokes that will be made, so do not bother writing them in the comment section.  I’m a little touchy right now. Besides, I’ve heard them already, be it from well-meaning friends or the hollow words rolling around in my own mind that I use to try to comfort myself.  Here’s how the mental battle goes:

  • “You cannot hold on to them forever.” I know, but why did eighteen years have to be so short?
  • “She’s enrolled in a program she loves at a great school.” I am truly excited for her, but that does zilch for this grief feeling.
  • “She has a great church to attend.” Yes, I know.  She was not sitting in her spot in our pew yesterday.
  • “She’s only an hour away.” Last week she was only a room away.
  • “She has a great living situation with wonderful roommates.” Yes, I agree.  They get to be with her daily unlike me anymore.
  • “Other parents seem matter-of-fact and even relieved when their kid leaves.” They must be in denial.
  • “Your school’s motto is Sicut Sagittae (Like Arrows) from Psalm 127.  You’ve told others the goal of Christian parenting is to send our children out battle-ready into the world.” I feel like changing that motto.
  • “You have cell phones and can talk to her anytime.” Why does my voice keep cracking when I do?
  • “You’re just being melodramatic and starting to sound like a bad country song.” Sue me.

In all seriousness, when the great focus of Christian parenthood is to raise your children in the Lord’s fear and to enjoy the blessing they are to you, the time of sending them out is a mixture of joy and a sadness that I can only explain is akin to grief.  For you begin to realize you will no longer know and see the daily experiences of your child.  You see a piece of clothing that is hers, a note she left behind, or her picture, and you feel the heart pangs again.  You see younger siblings weeping because the older brother and sister they shared a room with are not there anymore.  Your family structure is not the same anymore, as everyone has to make adjustments to fill in the gap of responsibilities the absent child used to do.  As we see three children leave for school and work within a week at this summer’s end, going from five to two children at home, it almost feels like an entirely different family will be left behind.  Indeed, in some ways, it will be.

As my wife and I drove away last week discussing this once again through some tears, we sought to relate this, as all things, to the cross.  We thought on the mystery of how the Father must have felt when He sent His Son to the earth.  It gave us comfort knowing our Triune God can relate to the emotions that separation brings.  We do look by faith through the sorrow of separation to the joy of sending our children out for the King.

So I write this to join with that chorus of older parents we heard when our children were younger, who told us, “They will grow up faster than you think, so enjoy them while you can.”  For though I can pray the Lord will spare you from other parental griefs, every Christian parent will face this one.

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18 Comments

  1. Ang August 20, 2012 at 5:25 pm #

    Through tears of my own, because of your tears, I can see your point and it is well taken. We mourn, too, over the changes in the York household as it feels an extension of our own. Rooder has gone off and the household will not be the same without her. Sniff sniff.
    Does commiserating help any?

  2. Jeff Adams August 20, 2012 at 6:01 pm #

    Quit it, your killing me! My oldest is only 12!

  3. The Water Bearer August 20, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

    I completely understand, I am about to endure this….Not quite yet, but her spiritual foot has reached the threshold. I wrote about this recently, I would be honored to share with you…
    http://innerangelsandenemies.wordpress.com/2012/08/03/i-have-to-put-her-in-gods-hands/

  4. Brent York (@brentyork) August 20, 2012 at 6:25 pm #

    I can only offer one word: ugh.

  5. Ram Rao August 20, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

    My youngest daughter left for college last week. I know what you feel. In a few weeks we will be empty nesters, with two of my children living on the other side of the world, one in another state, and one on the other side of town. My wife and I are bracing ourselves for the drastic change in our life soon to happen.

  6. Kim Shay August 21, 2012 at 12:07 pm #

    I found you through David Murray’s blog. I will be sending my youngest away to college on September 2nd, and I have similar feelings. Our first to go was our daughter, five years ago. That was a hard one, because she had some spiritual struggles that we were so concerned about. I felt like there was a weight on my chest every morning for about six months. It prepared me well for what’s to come. Parenting is designed, from its beginning, to end at some point, and it’s an adjustment when it changes. I’m thankful that while my circumstances change, God never does.

    • Barry York August 21, 2012 at 12:39 pm #

      Thank you for sharing, Kim, and Amen!

  7. Jeff Kessler August 21, 2012 at 2:39 pm #

    Well, you did send her to a great church and university. Think how bad you would be feeling with her at IU :). We sent Heather off to college too, but not feeling as bad as she living at home. Btw, Heather found out today that she shares a biology class with your daughter.

    • Barry York August 21, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

      Emory was excited to see Heather in class. The rest I’m going to ignore until I can laugh again.

  8. Marilla August 21, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

    I can recognize your grief, this will be our 4th’s last year at college, then a job somewhere far from home. I have another with life threatening seizures that might finally kill him this year. It’s like living in a barrel full of rocks while the barrel is rolled down a really steep long hill–wondering if the hill has an end and then dreading the end.

    • Barry York August 21, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

      So saddened to hear of this true suffering, Marilla. I will pray for the Savior to give peace and deliverance.

  9. alcoramdeo August 24, 2012 at 4:06 am #

    Brother Barry, of the many who have faced, are facing or will face similar ordeals, some will think themselves unspiritual, ungodly, or faithless because of their feelings. Your unselfish exposure of your humanity will serve as encouragement to such readers. I thank God for your willingness to make this sacrifice.

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