Christian Masculinity: Rethinking Strength and Grace

Conviction: A Brick to the Face

I was hit in the face with a brick of conviction while reading J.C. Ryle's Holiness. Why? I was failing. Failing to be the man God had called me to be. Failing to be the husband God had called me to be. Failing to be the father God had called me to be. I was falling short of growing up in Christ. And part of the problem lay in the counter-cultural model of masculinity I had latched onto.

Bear with me as we begin with the full quote that convicted me. It’s long, but it’s worth its weight in gold:

“Genuine sanctification, in the last place, will show itself in habitual attention to the passive graces of Christianity. When I speak of passive graces, I mean those graces which are especially shown in submission to the will of God, and in bearing and forbearing towards one another. Few people, perhaps, unless they have examined the point, have an idea how much is said about these graces in the New Testament, and how important a place they seem to fill. This is the special point which St. Peter dwells upon in commending our Lord Jesus Christ’s example to our notice: 'Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that we should follow His steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in His mouth: Who, when He was reviled, reviled not again; when He suffered, He threatened not; but committed Himself to Him that judgeth righteously.' (1 Peter 2:21–23.)—This is the one piece of profession which the Lord’s prayer requires us to make: 'Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us;' and the one point that is commented upon at the end of the prayer.—This is the point which occupies one third of the list of the fruits of the Spirit, supplied by St. Paul. Nine are named, and three of these, 'longsuffering, gentleness, and meekness,' are unquestionably passive graces. (Gal. 5:22, 23.) I must plainly say that I do not think this subject is sufficiently considered by Christians. The passive graces are no doubt harder to attain than the active ones, but they are precisely the graces which have the greatest influence on the world. Of one thing I feel very sure,—it is nonsense to pretend to sanctification unless we follow after the meekness, gentleness, long-suffering, and forgivingness of which the Bible makes so much. People who are habitually giving way to peevish and cross tempers in daily life, and are constantly sharp with their tongues, and disagreeable to all around them,—spiteful people, vindictive people, revengeful people, malicious people,—of whom, alas, the world is only too full!—all such know little, as they should know, about sanctification.

Such are the visible marks of a sanctified man. I do not say that they are all to be seen equally in all God’s people. I freely admit that in the best they are not fully and perfectly exhibited. But I do say confidently, that the things of which I have been speaking are the Scriptural marks of sanctification, and that they who know nothing of them may well doubt whether they have any grace at all. Whatever others may please to say, I will never shrink from saying that genuine sanctification is a thing that can be seen, and that the marks I have endeavoured to sketch out are more or less the marks of a sanctified man." — J. C. Ryle, Holiness: Its Nature, Hindrances, Difficulties and Roots (London: William Hunt and Company, 1889), 42–43.

What Are the Marks of True Sanctification?

These marks of a sanctified man: meekness, gentleness, long-suffering, and forgivingness - did not mark my life. This was especially true in how I treated my wife and children. They are, sadly, still too elusive to my sinful heart. In my zeal to push back against the modern cultural rejection of masculinity, I embraced something just as dangerous. My model of manhood had become a distortion. Like one of those carnival mirrors that distorts your image. I thought I looked like strong and broad chested man of God. The image was a gross distortion of reality.

I thought I was standing firm. I wasn’t. I was wielding headship like a club. I treated my wife, Olivia, as if she were beneath me. I didn’t give her the honor God commands in 1 Peter 3:7. It got so bad that even at the Lord’s Supper, I thought my “federal headship” meant that I should hand her the bread and wine myself. As if Olivia needed me to stand between her and Christ. Jesus was her only mediator. Olivia was and is a blood-bought daughter of the kingdom. She had every right to the sacrament without going through me. She is a fellow heir of the grace of life. She is not a subject in my little fiefdom. I was not her elder. I was not her judge. I was supposed to love, cherish, and protect her. Yet, I was lording my authority over Olivia.

Failing to Live What I Believed

I desired to push back against the weak and idiotic father figures of sitcoms. I rejected their spinelessness, and instead became a harsh disciplinarian. My home was not marked by the gentleness and grace that my heavenly Father showed me. No, their was an absolute law. A law I had laid down. We had a code of conduct on the fridge. There was an exact number of spanks for any infraction of the family rules. (Of course followed up by a Bible verse). I boiled with anger and convinced myself it was righteous. Instead of long-suffering patience, I was quick to exact punishment. After all, a father shows his love by discipline, right?

I could quote the Westminster Shorter Catechism. I could explain the intricacies of the eternal decree. But my theological knowledge did not match my pitiful level of sanctification. My pride masqueraded as maturity. I was like a boy wearing ill fitting grown-up clothes. I was only pretending to be a man.

The passive graces toward my own family were pitifully absent. I was not following in Christ's footsteps. I was after my own pride.

When Masculinity Becomes a Caricature

This kind of hypocrisy isn’t limited to me. There’s a danger lurking in today’s “reformed masculinity” movement. Western culture today is uncomfortable with, allergic to, offended by, and even afraid of strong masculine men. In response to the frontal assault on masculinity are we lifting up a farce of biblical manhood? Have we replaced Christ-like masculinity with caricatures?

Are men today ready to be serious about being aggressive - against their own sins? Are men today ready to be serious about being risk-takers - for their families and the kingdom of heaven? Are men today ready to be serious about having a mission in which they would lay down their lives for their wives? And by that, I mean putting away our own pride, selfish desires, and our natural tendency to be dictators of our own little kingdoms.

A Call to Christlike Masculinity

Men, God gave us strength to protect the weak, not to be despots over them. He entrusted us with leadership. This wasn't for selfish gain, but for the good of those under our care. Adam was charged to work and keep the garden (Genesis 2:15). This dominion mandate reveals God’s call for men to lead, provide, and protect with humility. True biblical masculinity is not about asserting power for personal glory. It is about serving others in a way that glorifies God and reflects His love.

Christ is the perfect model of this kind of masculinity. He leads not through pride or force but through humility and sacrifice. “The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). Men, we are called to follow this pattern. In the home, this means loving our wives as Christ loved the church, laying down our lives for them (Ephesians 5:25). In the church and the world, it means defending the vulnerable and leading with wisdom, courage, and grace. Masculinity is not a license for selfishness; it is a summons to selflessness. It is a call to reflect Christ’s strength, meekness, and love.

Masculinity That Reflects Christ

We can easily spot selfishness in others, especially those in power. We can smell the dead fish in the water when politicians serve themselves rather than the people they represent. We know who the statesmen are. And, we know who the opportunists are. Yet, when it comes to our own hearts, our self-perception isn’t as sharp. Too often, our leadership fails to reflect Christ. Instead of working for the good of those entrusted to our care, we act out of selfish ambition, entitlement, and pride.

Will we put away our selfish ambitions and conceit? Will we humble ourselves and look to the interests of others rather than our own? Being a man of God is not a license for vulgarity or unbridled anger. It does not permit us to speak harshly or use whatever vocabulary the flesh might desire. Instead, a godly man seeks a transformed heart, a heart that loves Christ and loves like Christ.

So, what does the mature man of God look like? He puts away filthy language and rejects bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice. He is kind to others, tenderhearted, and forgiving, just as God in Christ forgave him. True masculinity begins with aggressively fighting our own self-love, covetousness, pride, and boasting. It looks like abandoning speech that defames, denigrates, or demeans others and instead uses words to edify and encourage.

If we want to be true men of God, we must abide in Christ. Transformation starts in the heart. Only by walking with Him can we produce the fruits of repentance and reflect His love and humility to those around us.

Men of God Must Fight for Holiness

A true man of God doesn’t speak recklessly or disregard the impact of his words. Instead, he measures his words with love and consideration, knowing that the power of the tongue can either build up or destroy. We must not be trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those who are good, traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God.

God has warned us that there are men who have a form of godliness but deny the power thereof. We must not be those men. And, we must turn away from such men. Sadly, the masculinity being peddled in some circles today sounds more like Rome than Christ.

The Titans of the Faith: True Warriors of Grace

The true titans of faith rarely have microphones. They seldom seek attention or demand recognition. Their dignity commends them to respect. These titans are gentle with their wives, honoring them with dignity and respect. They don’t lord their authority over their wives but cherish them as coheirs of the grace of life. The true titans are patient with their children, sacrificing their own desires to lovingly provide for their families. The real warriors are those who quietly lay down their lives in service to those entrusted to their care.

The men lightyears ahead of me are those who have mastered the manly art of self control. They know their strength, yet they wield it in meekness, choosing to love rather than dominate. These are the fathers whose children remain in the faith, in part, because their gentleness and patience have reflected the character of their Heavenly Father. They exemplify the "passive graces" that J.C. Ryle spoke of—patience, gentleness, and long-suffering. Their strength is not diminished by their restraint; rather, it is perfected in love.

These are the elderly men young men ought to listen to. These are the men I need to listen to and learn from. They are masculine men who fiercely protect their families but are not given to fits of rage. They have patiently mastered the discipline of self-control and embody meekness, not out of weakness but out of strength submitted to Christ.

I was shocked a few years ago by the words of a gray-haired woman who described how she knew God. I expected her to reference a Bible passage or a theological truth from a book. Instead, as she sipped her coffee, she said simply, “If I ever wondered what God was like, I knew.... My father was always so patient with me.” Those words struck me like a hammer. The Holy Spirit convicted me. Could my children say the same of me? Would my children know their Heavenly Father better because of my patience and gentleness? Or would my anger and selfishness obscure His image?

Stop Playacting at Manhood

You are not the perfect man. Jesus is. I am not the perfect man. Jesus is. We need to be built up into the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ. Being a true man is growing up in all things into Him who is the head, Christ. This is the kind of man I want to be, a Christ like man.

Let’s stop playacting at manhood. True masculinity looks like Christ. Meekness. Gentleness. Long-suffering. These are not signs of weakness but of a true manly sanctification. Let us abide in Him, that we might bear fruit in keeping with repentance and show the world what it truly means to be men of God.