Frontline Report on the Annual Leaf War
A mature oak tree has an average of 200,000 leaves that grow each year. With a few dozen such trees on or surrounding our lawn, you can do the math. But in case you cannot, that means this all-in-one general and foot soldier is outmanned one to several million by these little invaders during our annual battles. Sometimes my chief cook joins me to better the odds just a bit, but often she is in the mess hall cooking up provisions to keep me going.
Usually, the battle is fought in waves. No sooner am I done clearing the first advancement, when a second, third, and then many others follow. Oak leaves are particularly stubborn, with the trees clinging to their leaves, dropping them throughout the fall and even into winter. I have learned they call this marcescence, which I think is Latin for pain in the neck. The oak leaf stems seem to hold onto every crack and crevice they can find. These brown martyrs who gave their lives for this cause continue to fight, though dead.
Improved defense technology helps. My old handheld leaf blower was set aside a few years ago in favor of an Echo backpack leaf blower, which is immensely satisfying to use...most of the time. Instead of fighting right now, I'm sitting here inside writing this field report, deflated because a ten-mile-an-hour wind blowing in the wrong direction rendered my leaf blower powerless. Nothing more discouraging than having the leaves flying over your head and making a pile behind you.
I just ordered a new attachment called the Cyclone 2X, which they say uses the Venturi effect and the principle of a cyclonic separator to create a greater vortex of air speed. That was fun to type, though I have no idea what it means. I just know they promise it will make the leaves clear faster. We'll see.
Another problem with leaf blowers is that they become less effective as the pile of leaves grows bigger. They also seem to run out of gas at just the wrong time, i.e., right before I'm finished with a section, when the gas can needs to be mixed again and I'm short on time, or when it's getting dark (whoever decided to let Daylight Savings Time end in November so it gets dark at 5:00 in the evening must be an ally with the leaves). Using the old technology of raking leaves onto a tarp and then dragging them down into the woods can be somewhat effective. However, though the rake never runs out of gas, the raker often does.
The leaves especially taunt me from my gutters on the second story. They just wave at me from up there, laughing at my inability to reach them. The chief cook pulled rank a long time ago, forbidding the general with the bad knees to venture onto our roof.
So, for a time, I thought I had outwitted my foes when I bought another piece of weaponry - the "Gutter Clutter Buster." This tool is simply long, plastic extension pipes, with one having a curved end, that attaches to a shop vac. Though 30-40 feet above my head, I initially enjoyed sucking those bad boys out of my gutters. That is, until I calculated I was spending the equivalent of two days of my life each year trying to get at all those packed, wet leaves, while looking ridiculous holding this long contraption up in the air that kept falling apart on me and tumbling to the ground.
And yes, I tried having gutter guards. I removed them (well, had them removed because I'm not allowed on the roof). The heavy, wet oak leaves just use them to rest on and plan their next attack. Hiring some young guy to go up and blow them out in about fifteen minutes is more effective.
Did you know that those fallen leaves from one oak tree can weigh between 500 pounds and a ton, depending on how wet they are? My schedule means I have limited times when I can actually wage war; I have spent much of this fall clearing leaves in the rain. I guess there is some satisfaction in knowing I have literally moved tons of leaves.
In this battle, you have to look for the small victories.
