When Someone is Down, Show Up and LEAP

As a true Christian, indwelt by the Holy Spirit, I trust that you want to help and comfort your brothers and sisters in Christ who are suffering and going through hard trials.

To help you with this, I want to give you what I hope is a simple and memorable paradigm for ministering helpfully to those around you who are suffering: when someone is down, show up and LEAP*.

Listen. Empathize. Ask. Paraphrase.

Since introducing this paradigm and practice to my congregation, multiple members, both sufferers and those ministering to them, have come forward to tell me of the genuine benefit of it and of the growth in this area from using it.

Now, to be clear, LEAPing when someone is down is not designed to be a cure-all or magic bullet of any sort. It is not aimed at fixing a heartbroken saint. Nor is it designed to teach you that you should never speak words of comfort, instruction, conviction, or correction to someone who is going through a trial. These are not the goals of the paradigm and practice.

Rather, the goals of LEAPing when someone is down are first to let the suffering brother or sister be and feel heard and cared for, and in this to be a help and comfort to them. Then second, to help you, if and when you do speak a word of comfort, instruction, conviction, or correction, to do so more fitly and seasonably (James 1:19; Proverbs 15:23, 18:13, 18:15, and 25:11).

With all of that in mind, if you are at all familiar with the book of Job, then you know that Job's friends are, on the whole, not positive examples of how to minister well to the suffering. However, with how poorly they do overall and with God's final rebuke of them, we can easily forget that they actually start fairly well. Which is to say, in the beginning, they present a more positive example of ministering to the suffering.

In Job 2:11-13, we're told that when Job's three friends heard of all his adversity, they made an appointment to come together and mourn with him and comfort him. In this, they committed to comforting Job through what I like to call the ministry of presence. Which is to say, the ministry of simply being with someone in their sorrow and grief to help against the negative effects of prolonged isolation.

Now, after making their journey to Job, we're told that when his friends reached him and saw him in the depths of his affliction, they lifted their voices and wept. They tore their robes just as Job had torn his. They sprinkled dust on their heads, which paralleled Job shaving his head. Then they sat down with Job on the ground where he had fallen to himself. Practically speaking, they empathized and sympathized with Job. They came alongside him and entered into his experience of suffering with him.

They then proceeded to simply be with him and not speak a word for seven days and seven nights, for they saw that his grief was very great. By this, they mixed their ministry of presence with what I like to call a ministry of silence. Which is to say, a ministry that involves an absence of advice and counsel to someone concerning what they should think or do at a particular time.

This ministry of silence by Job's friends was good and right. It was so because, in the early days of a difficult trial, and in the days of deep darkness that may come throughout such a trial, such words about what someone should think or do can often be not only unhelpful but positively harmful. In both the early days and in the especially hard days of a trial, most suffering saints simply need someone to be with them and to be there to hear them out.

However, if you're familiar with Job, then you know that after his friend's early ministry of presence and silence, Job bursts forth and pours out his downcast soul in chapter three. Then, beginning with chapter four, Job's friends trade their helpful ministry of presence and silence for one of harmful, unseasonable, and misapplied instruction, conviction, and correction. Instead of continuing a ministry by which Job could have felt heard and cared for, they began, in much ignorance, to simply try to fix Job. Unsurprisingly, from there, things spiraled downwards quickly.

What Job's friends ought to have done once he started speaking was to continue their ministry of presence and silence, not by a continuation of their literal silence, but rather they should have continued, for the time being, their practical silence concerning all instruction, conviction, and correction, and in its place they should have LEAPed.

They should have lovingly and patiently listened as Job spoke to them.

Then they should have expressed their empathy with words following Job's speech, cursing the day of his birth. They could have said something like, "Our brother, we are so sorry all of this has happened to you. We can only imagine how hard this must be. We love you, and we are here for you."

Next, they should have asked caring and careful questions of clarification about Job's situation and his experience of it. They could have asked something like, "Brother, if you're up to it, could you tell us more about all that happened to you, for we only heard about it from a distance?" Or something like, "Brother, what has been on your heart and mind these last few days?" Or, simply, "Brother, can you tell us more?"

Lastly, they should have paraphrased him to make sure they were understanding him and to help him to know that he was being understood by them. They could have begun here with something like, "Brother, so that we know that we are hearing you right, are you saying...?"

They should have then kept up this ministry of presence and practical silence, this LEAPing, until Job was in a better state of mind, or at least until he asked for their counsel on the matter. They could have done this by simply continuing to listen, to express further empathy, to ask more questions to help draw out Job's heart even more, and by continuing to paraphrase him to ensure mutual understanding. This, of course, could and should have been mixed with continuing to weep with Job in his weeping, and with stopping to pray for him throughout.

In the end, it is instructive for us to hear from Job later in the narrative that such a ministry would have indeed been a comfort to him (Job 21:1).

So, next time the Lord grants you an opportunity to minister to a suffering brother or sister, seek to implement the early ministry of Job's friends: the ministry of personal presence and practical silence. Or, in other words, remember: when someone is down, show up and LEAP. Blessings!

*LEAP is a slightly modified version of LEAPS, which was created as a de-escalation technique and originally taught by former police officer George Thompson in his book "Verbal Judo."