The Marital Conflict Multi-tool

Do you and your spouse struggle with working through marital conflicts? Is your communication about offenses, issues, and disagreements often hindered by sinful anger and frustration on either or both of your parts?

If so, what if there was a single practice or "tool" that could significantly help you and your spouse work through your conflicts more calmly and gently, negotiate disagreements more successfully, and grow in godly communication overall?

Would you be willing to give it a try?

Well, in my own pastoral ministry, I've learned from others one practice or tool that stands out amongst the rest for helping couples in the multiple ways listed above. Prayerfully implemented in full reliance on the Triune God rather than on the "tool" itself, I've seen couples grow in amazing ways as they use it to work through their problems together.

The practice or tool that I'm speaking of is what others have referred to as the Conference Table.

This Marital Conflict Multi-tool or Conference Table essentially refers to a regularly scheduled time and place to come together as a couple and work through offenses, problems, and disagreements you have between one another. It could happen at a literal table in your home, or on a couch or in bed. It could happen in the morning, afternoon, or evening. The exact time and place are open to whatever works best for you and your spouse.

But again, the essential practice that helps you as a couple work through a multitude of issues and grow in a multitude of areas related to marital conflict and communication is a regularly scheduled time and place to come together as a couple where and when you discuss and work through offenses, problems, and disagreements you have between one another.

This Conference Table idea is a practical application of the biblical exhortation in Ephesians 4:26-27. There God calls us to "'Be angry, and do not sin': do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil."

Now, the call to "Be angry, and do not sin" is a call to put on righteous anger. Later in Ephesians 4:31, we are called to put off unrighteous anger. The differences between the two are found in their causes, degrees, objects, and ends (Matt. 5:22; Jam. 1:19-20).

Righteous anger will have a just cause, remain under control, be directed at sin, and be used to accomplish righteous and God-glorifying ends.

Unrighteous anger is any anger that fails in any or all of these areas. It may have either no cause or an unjust cause. It may be excessive. It may be directed at persons rather than sins. It may be used to accomplish ends that are unrighteous and displeasing to God.

Now, to be clear, as believers our anger will always be, at best, of a mixed variety in this life due to our indwelling sin. But even though we cannot manifest righteous anger in a sinless manner, nonetheless, by the grace of God we can do so sincerely, to the glory of God and for peace and reconciliation among one another.

One way we do this is by obeying the call to "not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil". By these words we are called to not unduly delay in addressing the sin that caused our anger lest, by our undue delay, we give the devil an open door to come in and stir strife between us (see also 2 Corinthians 2:10-11).

So then, in these verses we are called to use our anger righteously by going without undue delay to address and work through offenses with one another. That is the biblical command.

The Conference Table, on the other hand, is simply one very helpful way to proactively apply and implement that command, particularly in a marital context.

When a couple has a regularly scheduled time and place where they know they can and will bring up and address issues and offenses between them, this can be a great help against two of the most common manifestations of unrighteous anger and communication in marriage, namely blowing up (excessive anger) and building up (suppressed anger as opposed to controlled and directed anger).

In our sin, we are all too often prone to one or the other. We either lack self-control and blow up at our spouse when they sin against us; when we don't get our way in a disagreement; or when we are otherwise sinfully frustrated in conversation with them.

Or, on the other hand, rather than blow up in a confrontation, we hold our anger in, allowing it to build up. Unfortunately, we know where building up ordinarily leads. It either leads to a future blow-up, as with a volcano, or it leads to a future breakdown or shutdown, as with a bridge bearing too much weight or a road with too much traffic. Whether blowing up or shutting down, both are obviously detrimental to marital conflict resolution and communication.

But again, having an agreed-upon and regularly scheduled time and place to come together and work through offenses, disagreements, and other issues can be a great help. For the person prone to blowing up, they will know there is an upcoming time to discuss the issue, and so in reliance on the Spirit, they can be helped to control their anger in the moment and prayerfully prepare to bring the issue up later in a calmer state.

Then, for the person prone to letting anger build up, such agreed-upon, regularly scheduled times can help prevent them from letting issues build up as they rely on the Spirit to regularly open up to their spouse during those meetings as they work through the issues together.

All to say, the Conference Table really is a kind of Marital Conflict Multi-tool which helps couples to grow in the fruit of the Spirit that is self-control; to grow in being more open with one another; to work through offenses, disagreements, and issues together in a more godly manner; and by growing in all of these areas, to grow in overall godly communication together which should foster greater trust and love of one another over time.

So, that is a brief description of the Conference Table in theory. But how can you now get started with it in practice in your own marriage if you and your spouse are having conflict resolution and communication issues?

First, commit to implementing it, then go to the Lord in prayer together and pray that you would not trust in the "tool" itself. Pray that as you and your spouse implement the Conference Table, you would both put your full trust in Him to work through the tool to grow you and your spouse in grace. Pray also for the grace to stick with it, especially during the early and trying habit-forming stage.

Second, pick your time and place together. I noted above that this is mostly an issue of preference for you and your spouse's particular situation. However, the one piece of counsel I would offer is to start out scheduling your Conference Tables daily whenever during the day that works best for you both. Have one every day, even if there isn't much to discuss every day. I've come to learn the critical importance of doing this daily as you begin.

Over time, you can relax that daily schedule, and eventually, Lord willing, as you and your spouse mature in conflict resolution and communication, such structured times and places won't be as necessary at all as you learn to deal with issues and offenses more organically together as they come up. But in the beginning, like with freshly poured concrete, you need structures to aid the maturing process, and daily Conference Tables are a key structure.

Third, agree on and set the rules for your table. To keep it simple and practical, I recommend three rules.

The first rule is to begin each Conference Table in prayer. Both spouses should briefly yet sincerely pray to God to bless them and to bless what they are about to do together. You and your spouse have no strength in yourselves to make this work. You must rely on the Lord!

The second rule is that both spouses must maintain a soft tone. Proverbs 15:1 says, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Prayerfully keeping your tone soft is a very helpful way to control both your own anger and your spouse's. It helps to turn away "wrath" from both parties.

The third rule is to be orderly in your conversations (1 Cor. 14:40; Jam. 1:19-20). You can do this very practically by creating and using three small pieces of paper or notecards with one word written on each. The first will say LEAP, which stands for Listen, Empathize, Ask, and Paraphrase. The second will say SPEAK. The third will say BREAK.

During the conversation, one spouse will keep the LEAP card face up in front of them. The other will keep the SPEAK card face up. The BREAK card will remain in the middle of you both face down. The spouse with the SPEAK card then begins by bringing up any offenses, disagreements, or issues they have with the other spouse or that they believe need to be worked through in the home. It is very helpful for the SPEAKER to be humble and tentative with their accusations, and to, whenever possible, point the finger at themselves first (Matt. 7:3-5).

While that spouse is SPEAKING, the other spouse is only LEAPING. They are only listening, empathizing, asking questions for clarification, and paraphrasing what the other is saying to make sure there is mutual understanding.

The LEAPING spouse is not allowed, while they hold that card, to make points or to argue. They only LEAP until the other is done SPEAKING. Once the spouse with the SPEAK card believes the issue has been sufficiently addressed from their side, they initiate a card swap. At this point, they only LEAP while the other SPEAKS. This process is repeated back and forth until the issue has been sufficiently worked through, signified by either repentance and forgiveness if it's an issue of sin or by agreement if it's an issue of disagreement and negotiation.

If at any time in the meeting either spouse believes the rule of keeping soft tones or speaking out of order is being broken, they calmly reach to the middle and flip the BREAK card over. At this point, the spouses either acknowledge the break and repent and move on, or if need be, they pause, temporarily separate, pray for grace to control their tone and order of speech, and return to the meeting whenever they are both in a calmer state. If the passions are high enough, that might even mean pausing until the next day's Conference Table.

So, in sum, pray before you begin to implement the Conference Table in your marriage. Second, set your time and place, and preferably schedule your meetings daily in the beginning. Third, agree upon the rules, preferably opening each meeting in prayer, agreeing that soft tones will rule at the table, and by listening and speaking well and in order (helped by your three note cards).

Then get to work together in the Lord, prayerfully practicing the Conference Table each day or night, being patient with one another and yourself as you get the hang of it together, and being mindful that the Table itself will take plenty of practice.

Now, more could be said and often is during in-person meetings with couples about this practice. Nonetheless, what has been said above is the gist of it, and I hope it is enough to help you get started if you think the Conference Table would be a help to your own marriage. It has no power in itself, and it is no Magic-tool.

But when both spouses are relying on the Lord in it and sticking with it in His strength, the Conference Table has shown itself to be a truly and significantly effective Multi-tool for Marital Conflict and overall growth in marital communication.

Blessings!